Last summer the Chicago Tribune reported on a bakery that was harassed and vandalized after scheduling a “family-friendly” drag show at their shop. The owner was quoted as saying, “…people who haven’t been exposed to this need to learn about it and be more accepting.” (emphasis mine)
Must I? For months that quote and my question have been a nagging snarl for me. Is the bakery owner right to insist I learn about her cause and approve of it? The bakery owner isn’t insisting that I tolerate her cultural programming; she is insisting that I accept it. Must I?
The issue of “family-friendly” drag shows or drag queen story hours makes a useful subject to understand something more fundamental—something that interests me more than this specific fad. Must I learn about your pet crusade, whatever it might be? And if I am curious enough to learn more, must I accept it or approve of it? If not, then what?
To be sure, I am skeptical of the concept of drag for children. Drag is performance art, as are ballet or mime or circus acts, but drag is distinguished as the art of dressing to an exaggerated degree as someone of another gender. Drag is not cross-dressing, and drag is not men dressed to play the women’s roles in Shakespearian England. Drag, as it has existed for at least 150 years, is naughty, erotic, bawdy, sometimes comedic, often pornographic. Drag’s purpose is to push up against taboos. And although drag doesn’t have to be X-rated, those who claim that drag for children is just good, wholesome family fun—no different than a circus or a magic show—are being disingenuous. To choose a “family friendly” drag show is to choose a performance art that involves, by definition, sexuality, even if only at some subliminal level.
I will defend parental rights, so if some want to expose their children to “family friendly” drag, I will most assuredly tolerate it. I don’t agree with those who level the charge that drag queen story hour is an exercise in grooming. Grooming takes place over a period of time, away from the watchful eye of parents, with the goal of a future, clandestine relationship. No matter what taboos Voluptuous Velma may be breaking, she is not grooming a bunch of toddlers sitting with their parents in the children’s section of the library while she reads Red: A Crayon’s Story. Those parents have chosen Voluptuous Velma to read to their children instead of someone dressed up like Winnie the Pooh (as an example) because those parents want something Velma offers that Winnie the Pooh does not. Which makes me wonder if these “family friendly” drag events are not really about the children, but are actually about the adults. What do the adults want?
They’ll tell you they want to teach their children to accept all different kinds of people. But if that is true, why isn’t there a demand for children’s story hours featuring refugees from Afghanistan, or blind people reading Braille, or the very elderly bringing history alive, or even someone who lives on a farm reading to the little suburbanites? Or imagine Conservative Story Hour, where liberal parents bring their impressionable children to hear readings from Atlas Shrugged. No, this isn’t about accepting all different kinds of people. Drag is about sex and gender. Adults are promoting drag for children as a way to teach children to accept gay, lesbian, and trans people. But what a strange way to do that!
The gay, lesbian, and trans people I know do not mince about with ridiculously huge breasts, 2-inch eyelashes, glitter sprinkled across cheekbones, and platinum curls tumbling to padded asses. They are not particularly theatrical or flamboyant, and they live rather ordinary lives. What toddler—or middle school student—meets their gay or trans neighbor and say, “Wow! You look just like Voluptuous Velma, so you must be OK! Welcome to the neighborhood!” Drag as performance art for adults is fine. It’s not my cup of tea, but then I’m not into NASCAR or WWE, either. But to pretend that drag for children is all about teaching acceptance seems at best ineffective or misguided, and at worst demeaning to gay, lesbian, and trans people (not to mention women who sometimes wonder what is up with these caricatures of femininity…)
Of course society changes; norms and mores change. But the rapid pace and broad scope of these changes are concerning to those with a constrained view of humanity (and I count myself in that group). We wonder what unintended consequences may result when one fence or another is torn down. Is this cultural fad like a new vegetable—something that with time we will come to appreciate as good? Or is it more like high fructose corn syrup—something sweet we crave, only to realize later that it might not be good for us? When others push their ideology with ferocity, and insist we fall in line and accept it, it is easy to be distressed, defensive, and dismayed.
Once again, Marcus Aurelius’ wisdom illuminates. “I can form the opinion that I should have about anything. Given this, why would I get upset? Anything external to my mind has no bearing on my mind. So set your own mind and stand erect. To recover control of your life is in your power. Re-examine everything again with your principles and recover control.”1
However, the reality is that we live in a pluralistic society. So what might be our social compact, for this or any other cultural rage? I propose the following:
- I won’t harass you, or violate your rights.
- You won’t tell me what I must accept, nor ascribe motives to my personal opinions.
In short, we will tolerate each other. But must I be more accepting? No. No, I don’t believe that I must be. I’ll wait and watch and see what happens—and be at peace with my own opinion.
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1Rich Prest, “Marcus Aurelius: Meditations: Book 7” Rich Prest Weblog, entry posted August 20, 2016, https://medium.com/@richprest/marcus-aurelius-meditations-book-7-40b2e98d230 (accessed April 4, 2023)
